


The Trials of Love and War

by almondsandasteroids



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Language, Family Drama, Force-Sensitive Hux, Force-Sensitive Reader, Heavy Angst, I'll leave it at that, Mild Gore, Multi, Mystery, Psychological Drama, Reader-Insert, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unresolved Romantic Tension, and also
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-06-07 10:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6800824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almondsandasteroids/pseuds/almondsandasteroids
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a galaxy on the brink, you are a force-sensitive from Naboo's moon of Rori. Due to the criminal nature of your surroundings, you are prompted by your remaining sanity and closest companions to leave, and find somewhere structured. You are persuaded by an outside force to the First Order, in which a stroke of luck, you find your destiny take a change for the better- or possibly for the worse. In a war-torn universe, you find yourself a key player in a game that few are blessed to play, and you're not sure whether to be thankful or not. A story illustrating death snapping at the heels of man, and how morality and compassion affects even those who are the strongest of us. </p><p>(Alternatively summarized as dorks in space.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! Fair warning from me here, on the first note I'm going to clarify, chapters in the past will be in present tense and chapters in the present will be written in past tense. It sounds like it makes zero to no sense, but this was just how I organized this story in my head, and I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for giving this a look-see lovelies.

__

A hundred thousand flittering, fluttering leaves caught the warm rays of the sun. And a small pair of feet pounded the soil.

“Xantos Fuil Andromias!”

Frozen, blonde, and gangly stands the teenaged boy, as you stand triumphiantly before him. He peers over a heavily bandaged shoulder, expression vacant. 

"You didn't listen to a thing your dad told you!" 

You are a child, and this boy, Xantos, has approximately six years on you. He is your elder, fourteen years of age, a dreaded teenager.

Regardless of your age, your tone is but an annoyance to him- though you see it as an indistinguishable threat. Xantos' hand is stretched precariously toward a tree branch, though he'd lowered his leg when he heard you barreling through the undergrowth after him.

"Dad didn't say anything about climbing." Though his tone is stand-offish, it's similar to that of an older sibling's. But, his voice is still devilish. Your brows furrow at this, your stance widens, and you feel an annoyance growing rapidly in your chest. You huff, and an idea strikes you.

In a heartbeat of a moment, you feel a triumphant grin mark it's way across your youthful features. You have but one power.

"I'm telling!"

It's a childishly ecstatic screech loud enough laughter to call attention from anyone in the three mile radius. Though it's not unexpected, you take back off through the undergrowth.

"Hey! Don-"

You don't stop to listen to the teenaged boy scramble after you. You feel his panic. It makes you giddy, and you laugh harder. He's longer legged and significantly faster than you are, but you're more clever than he gives you credit for. With a sharp veer to the right, you run toward a rocky hill you'd climbed numerous times before, and scramble up as fast as your legs can carry you. You're heaving, out of breath, but still laughing nevertheless.

"Qira!" Your voice is loud, sing-song almost, as you see her home at the bottom of the hill. She is only eleven, but you look up to her greatly.

"What?" The girl bellows in response- not an unhappy question, but inquisitive. You only give a shriek of laughter in response and clamber clumsily down the hill. You slip a few times but never fall.

When you reach the bottom of the hill, Qira stands waiting, arms crossed and brow raised, it's a put-on sort of thing- her actions are too animated. You know she does her best to downplay her excitement at seeing you, but you can sense the admiration between the two of you. It’s mutual, if slightly different.

"I'm telling on Xan." You point a finger towards yourself, a prideful smile coming on. Qira gives a hoot of a laugh, knowing full well the look of exasperation that crosses the boy's features so often because of your curious nature. She was still doubtful, as you still did retain a habit of fibbing. 

"For what? You can't get him in trouble for being a dork."

You feel your prideful smile go impish, and your hands are balled into fists as you give another laugh. "I caught him climbing!" Qira's hands cover her mouth, but this action doesn't silence her laugh as her eyebrows flick upwards. "Even with his dislocated shoulder?" You just nod quickly, giggling.

Qira's eyes flicker behind you and then upwards to the hill in one fell sweep. In your breathless, quick conversation, he had caught up- and looked even more panicked seeing you laughing with Qira.

"What'd she tell you?" Xan's voice is loud, but hesitant, unwilling to give any implication he did anything wrong. Qira grins wickedly, your name rolling off her tongue, a mock question to him, and no other response.

You're in the middle, gazing back and forth between the two older children. When you start to think this awkward quiet is going to be too much to bear, Xantos shifts from one foot to the other, "She's lying y'know." 

His hands slowly make their way out from his body, open palmed, offering a shrug and a slight head shake. You make a noise of offense, looking to Xan with fire in your gaze.

"I am  **not** !" You aren't yelling, not yet, but being provoked by the older boy could make that soon a reality. Xantos sneers, voice softly mocking, "C'mon Qira, you can't believe this." The boy's brows raise, and he pouts his lips slightly, shrugging again.

"She doesn't even have any evidence."

All in one moment you feel a wildfire rage roar through your being. You stamp your foot down onto the lush grass beneath you. Hands balled into your fists at your sides, you spin on your heel to face Qira, "I know what I saw, and I'm still telling, if you believe him or not!"

It is the best you can manage at your age for an asserting of your power, and it works. Xan lets out an exasperated, "Damn it!" Before you take off again. You point an accusatory finger toward him after his remark. It's your silent, but universal gesture of, 'I heard you', before your little boots are squelching upon the moist ground as fast as you can manage. You hear Qira's booming laugh and can see her freckled face lighting up in your mind, it's enough to usher you onward. It isn't long at all before you round another corner and another structure stands before you. It's a floor bigger than Qira's and a little better kempt, though the thick growth along all of the building proves that the plant fauna is nearly uncontrollable here. A bulky blonde man is loading things out of his freighter, you scrunch up your nose at the sight of it.

Even as a child, you know the thing is a piece of junk. With the man is your very best friend, an unusually tall Twi'lek girl with skin as blue as can be. Aeshin'Zava, though you always called her 'Aes'; as that was easier for the both of you. She had at first disliked it, as she thought it was too similar sounding to a boy's name, but you think she grew fond of it in habit. You both were the same age, and were only born about a month and a half apart, her being younger. Your mother had known Aeshin's since they were young, and you had always known Aes' mother as 'Auntie'. 

"Sebastian!" You call, waving your arms wildly to capture the attention of the man. He stops in his work, and wipes dirtied hands off onto his pants. He crouches with open arms and a warm smile, readily expecting your approach. "Hey there kiddo, didn't think I'd catcha' today."

You bolt forward, laughing, allowing him to sweep you up and swing you round. Sebastian Andromias was the father of Xantos, and had briefly dated your mother in her early adulthood. They hadn't clicked as romantic partners, but they worked extraordinarily well as friends. You saw him as a secondary father figure- or perhaps a first? You never voiced it, but preferred when yourself and mother were around Sebastian, compared to your father. She only yelled when she was around him, but with Sebastian, she seemed (albeit only a little) more happy. You then remembered why you were there.

Clutching at the back of the bulky blonde's jacket, you stiffened. "I saw Xan climbing, and he said a bad word!" Your words were spouted with a devilish fire, and you felt satisfaction when Sebastian turned to the side, still holding you, to watch Xantos burst into the clearing. The teenager’s face betrayed his feelings. Shock, annoyance, and a vague disappointment.

"Dad..." He started softly, and then Sebastian spoke up, interrupting him. "What did I tell you, Xantos?" The blonde boy's eyes were trained on his father's feet, and he mumbled something inaudible.

"Look me in the eyes when I speak you."

Xantos' grey eyes sparked with something you couldn't pinpoint as he stared his father dead-on, perhaps it was a new-found defiance? "You said not to overexert myself. Climbing a tree wasn't going to do that." There was an edge on his words like a knife, and you could feel Sebastian's shoulders tighten beneath your arms. He was a quiet, slowly angry sort of man when provoked, and it radiated off of him like heat.

"If it wasn't for that little tattle-tail than you'd not have to worry about it either." Xantos' brows were arched, his hand was outstretched toward you, accusatory. You flinched, now very much angry, and decided to put on your best act.

You were going to ensure he got his for this.

You pinched your brows, and buried your face into the large man. "I just didn't want Xan to get hurt." Your words wavered like your grasp, and you forced a shaky breath, it wasn't easy conjuring tears- but you managed. Once Sebastian felt your tears through his jacket, he lost his temper.

"You're going to apologize Xantos. Now. To me, and to her." Sebastian's words were crisp, unquestionable.

You had this man wrapped around your finger, and both you and Xantos knew it. The boy would be asking for the firm hand of punishment it he disobeyed. You could feel a matched fury to his father's, only outweighed by a stark rebellion.

"No." Was all he said, loudly, clearly, in a tone just as crisp as his father's.

In an instant, Sebastian sat you down, blurry eyed on a crate he'd just carried off of his ship, and took hold of the teen by his ear. It was almost comical as you watched, as the heavy scolding began, the list of repulsive chores Xan would be stuck with almost bringing on a laugh. You were a touch guilty, but more or less pleased you had gotten your way. You watched as Xan stormed inside to start, slamming the door behind him. Sebastian sighed deeply and shook his head, disappointed, and vaguely sad. He was reminded of his wife, who had been just as hardheaded as his son. You could feel it, but said nothing.

"I know you were trying to be a good person." Sebastian said to you after a quiet moment or so, rubbing your back. "Thank you for telling me."

You only nodded, now feeling a significantly more guilty. You hadn't intended to upset Sebastian, all you wanted was your revenge on Xan. Then again, you were technically doing both a favor. You were keeping Xan safe from harm and letting his father keep up on his activities. Xan was a free spirit anyway, this was good for Sebastian to hear. This was what you convinced yourself anyways, and being a child, you accepted it.

"Don't beat yourself up kiddo." Your thoughts were interrupted by the words murmured by Sebastian, who let on a crooked grin. "I gotcha' something when I was on Naboo." He prompted, helping you off the crate with a steady hand.

You squinted a tad, suspicious, "Last time you went to Naboo you only brought back spare parts for your ship. Xan likes that stuff a lot more than me." The bulky man hummed softly, "Mhm. Too bad then, because that's all I brought." You frowned, unable to tell if he was teasing or not.

Turning over his shoulder to look to see if you were following, he noted that you'd slowed considerably.

"Kiddo," Sebastian chimed gently, at a loss you hadn't comprehended his teasing. "C'mon now."

You huffed in response, feeling exceptionally prone to begin to pout. "Seb, I don't need to know how to fix a ship, you and Xan will always be there to do it."

This prompted a laugh from him, deep and clear, you were puzzled as to what he found so funny. You crossed your arms, and he ruffled your hair.

"You're awful gullible, kiddo. I'll teach you someday though, but for now I do have something you'll like more."

Yet again, your interest was piqued as you saw Sebastian stick his hands in his pant pockets and shuffle his hands around. His gaze strayed to the right, and his brows pinched. It was such a stark contrast to his previous expression, you wondered if he was trying to make you laugh. You offered him a smile and it seemed to work. It wasn't a spectacular sight, but your gaze lingered, eyes sparkling as you cooed a soft, "Oh!"

The crystal shined brilliantly in the light, polished and pristine. Your hands reached to touch it, it was blocky looking and clear as glass. And tiny. Even in your small hands, you noticed it was small; perhaps three fourths of an inch, but all you really recognized at first was how smooth it felt in your palm. It was a clumsy design, and the leather string that tied around the stone seemed to have been dropped in ship fuel by the consistency, but you loved it, the feeling fluttering in your chest was personal proof. You knew this was yours- something meant for you, rather. In an instant something struck you, an unusual emotion you couldn't form into precise words. You'd opened your mouth to speak, but your eyes grew wide and you nearly dropped it. In a matter of seconds it was glowing, a fluorescent green that illuminated your features. It was unusually warm to the touch.

"Seb?" It was more of a question than a simple statement of his name, and your voice was deathly quiet. You weren't sure if it was supposed to do this, and you expected an explanation, and soon, because you'd never seen anything like it.

The look on Sebastian's face displayed a pertinent shock.

"Ah well, the guy I bought it from said it was a..." He squinted a touch, lips pursing. "Ky...somethin' crystal. He said they were used by force users a time ago. I thought it was silly, but maybe not."

He took it gently from your palm, twirling it between his fingers. "M'not sure if it's safe kiddo, but I'll ask around." He gave you a pat on the shoulder and pocketed it again, slipping into his home, likely going to put away the little necklace for safe keeping.

You approached Aeshin softly when he left, toeing the damp earth with the toe of your boot. Neither of you said anything at first, but you saw a smile grow upon her round face as she pulled something from out of her own pocket. A necklace near identical to your own. A spark of curiosity arose in you, and you hesitantly held out a flat palm,

"Can I see it?"

Aes' eyes shined with something knowing, you both were thinking in sync, and you both knew it too. Sometimes you wondered if you two were twins in soul with how similar your thought patterns were. The alien girl sat the necklace softly in your hand, and almost immediately upon contact you noted it changing. Like swirling smoke, the green glow came upon it again, and in a few short moments it was glowing, warm, almost living. You felt oddly connected to it, now that you considered your feelings. Your hands longed moreso to hold the stone you had first touched, though this was a 'close enough' content.

"It's you." Aeshin whispered excitedly, knowingly discovering something foreign and exciting.

"Whatever you're doing..." The girl's voice trailed off. "Do you think you can do it again?"

It was this day, fourteen years ago that you discovered your abilities.

But of course, this is just a memory.

 

 


	2. Seeking Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You break your own heart and with a push, you decide that you need to find elsewhere to soothe your woes.

 

 

 

 

Across the landscape on the edge of your vision, you caught the last rays of the sun. The uncomfortably moist atmosphere of the day didn't cease as the shade crept its way over the hills and valleys- it never was cool on your home world. Your shirt, soaking, clung to your frame, and you felt beads of sweat trail down your forehead and continually down your face. Using the back of your hand, you wiped away what you could. The sounds of the night were readily approaching, amphibians and insects chirping and humming a symphony of their own. Birds were quieting, only the daring few sang their songs. You stopped, and slung your bag off of your back to the forest floor. You swallowed back annoyance and mild disgust at the squelch it made upon the moist earth.

"You good?" A warm voice ventured from in front of you. "Peachy, Aes." You flashed the alien woman a grin, and a thumbs up with both your hands for good measure. You presumed this would be enough, but you presumed incorrectly.

Aeshin's fists made their way to her hips, which were jutted to the side. "What did you forget?"

You nearly flinched at the accuracy of her snarky question, but kept your face as blank as you could manage, and said nothing.

"Hm?" The woman pushed further, leaning closer toward you. You gave a sigh of defeat, unwilling to play any games, "My water."

You didn't meet her gaze and you squeezed your eyes shut, feeling your boots sinking into the mud, centimeter by centimeter. "And possibly an extra pair of socks." A triumphant smile marked your friend's face, and she crossed her arms, turning to the side to stare at you over her shoulder. She gave a proud hum. "Convince me to share."

Her voice was mildly taunting, but was also light-hearted. You clenched your jaw, feeling that you were much too uncomfortable and much too hot to play any games. You put forth a grimace of a smile, no happiness meeting your eyes. "I'm going to die if you don't give me a damn drink."

Aeshin rolled her eyes, ignoring the animosity in your tone. She took a metallic canteen out of her bag, and offered it to you. Perhaps you were a bit too quick to grab it, because your friend snickered. "If you'd come better prepared maybe you wouldn't be so fussy." The only thing that kept you from giving her a scolding smack on the arm was your thirst. You'd been out all day, and kept quiet since the morning.

You had quite the talent of being too embarrassed with yourself to ask for help, ever. Once you'd downed a reasonable amount, you had been tempted to dump the rest over your head, but you reconsidered, knowing it would be selfish to waste the rest of Aes' water. You shook the canteen, water sloshing noisily on the inside. This was your not-so-subtle tactic in attempting to get your friend's attention. Though you usually would have spoke, you felt a little too frazzled to do so. Aeshin gave a sigh- and you were often thankful she was so patient of a friend, but you didn't voice this thought. The alien woman shook her head, gently grinning, "So impatient."

Part of you knew she was right, and part of you could really care less. You gestured to the trail ahead with an open palm when Aes took the canteen, ready to continue on your journey home. Aeshin loved this world more than any she'd ever been to- you wished you could be anywhere else. You wondered if you romanticized 'anywhere else', when 'anywhere else' could possibly be frighteningly foreign. But you longed for something different, a change, temporary or otherwise. It hadn't been your idea of fun to venture out into the mudlands for a day-long hike on a day you'd gotten off work; but you weren't going to kill the excited sparkle in your friend's eyes when she was at your home at five in the morning, conversing with your silently, and unhappily roused mother. You heard the repulsive sounds of mud underneath another two pairs of feet, and with the agitated string of slurred, baritone curses and separate, loud, high-pitched laughter. You recognized the unknown before it recognized you. Qira and Xan- you must have been closer to home than you'd previously imagined. It was a strange feeling on the air, weary distaste and woozy amusement, intertwining like a sour melody, but never melding. Two different emotions from two different beings. Something was off though, you shifted your stance, focusing. You couldn't quite pinpoint what was wrong, it was almost heavy, muted, like mud in a puddle. Only when the familiar pair stumbled through the foliage did you see they two were intoxicated, though more likely, under the influence. You could have sworn you felt Aeshin's heart ache at the precise time as your own.

Rori had been notorious for spice since the days of the old republic, hutt clans had staked claim to numerous mines of the stuff, relying on the drug and their criminal, authoritarian influence to sway the people of your planet. Though Naboo was the moon's main supporter, they couldn't give you everything- especially not good paying jobs. That was what spice offered, with the side effect of addiction and internal, crippling decay. Even long after the economic rush had slowed, the remnants were ever present in the people of your planet. Everyone knew someone who'd been in contact with the drug; family, friends, neighbors. Everyone knew someone. The phrase stung like salt in a wound. You had been avoiding your childhood friends for the sole reason they weren't themselves anymore. You couldn't bear to look at them, and you could already feel tears welling up at the sight of them. It made you even more upset as you could feel Aeshin's gaze boring into you, and you felt true, hot tears begin to stream. Shivering, even in the humid air, you enclosed your dominant hand loosely around your necklace. Though the crystal was aglow constantly, and the dusk further illuminated you both in an unwavering, green light. With an identical necklace, you were sure Aeshin was your match. You wondered what you looked like to the duo opposite of you. With their eyes glazed over, sunken, and dark-rimmed, you could only wonder if they even recognized you. Choking on your tears, you didn't say anything as Xan stopped his incessant mumbling, mouth slightly agape as he met your tear-clouded gaze.

Xan looked like his mother in the dim light. You blinked, and could only imagine Sebastian's heart-wrenching pain at seeing his only son, ensnared in the same prison that killed his wife. This man was always like an older brother to you. Maybe you weren't always the kindest to one another, but you had been near inseparable. The tired, ever-handsome blonde in front of you was an empty shell of the boy you'd grown up with, the troublesome trickster with a heart of gold and diamonds and all the precious gems you could think of. He was noble, he was honest, and he had always been your protector. You cried harder, breaking your own heart, thinking about how it'd take Xan years to piece himself back together- if he didn't kill himself first. 

You wanted to speak but nothing came, and you felt sadness like a creature in your chest, slithering, cold and slow, making you ache like you were fifty years older than you actually were. When Aes took hold of your free hand, you winced as if she had hurt you, though you were too emotionally caught up in yourself to notice any pain regardless.

"Breathe." Came the instruction. You hadn't even noticed her standing practically on top of you, holding your free hand still in her own, her other arm wrapped gently around your shoulders. "Everything's okay." Aeshin soothed, giving your hand a squeeze, her bright eyes were trained on yours when you turned to glance at her.

She radiated calm, but her words to you were like a match to gasoline, and her aura did nothing to lull your anger.

You tore away from her comforting grasp, now shaking violently with a building rage. "You can't tell me everything is okay and expect me to believe it!"

You had reached the point in your rage in which you were giving your unspoken, final warning. Your words had been deathly quiet, composure slipping. In those still moments, with you matted hair plastered to your face, boots caked in mud, fingers trembling and face twisted in fury and sheer anguish, you were the calm before the storm. Aeshin, knowing, stepped back from you and said nothing. Her eyes said volumes however, and it was starkly evident you had hurt her. With your boiling thoughts and ragged breaths you'd recognized your quick-tempered fault, but something was flowing in you that you couldn't control, and something that a sick part of you desired, wanted to let it run wild. And you allowed it without the slightest resistance. You held up a flat palmed hand, conjuring an aura constantly surrounding you and in an energy push, you sent Xan flying, and as he struck a tree behind him, he was knocked unconscious. Qira gave a shocked squeak, now even more disoriented, scrambling to the body of your friend. 

Over the course of the years, you'd developed unusually strong force abilities. Most of the time, even basic exercises were difficult without a steady train of thought. Hovering a stone a few inches above your palm could be extraordinarily difficult with your habitually meandering mind. However, when you experienced pure, raw emotion: glee, fury, and embarrassment- the works, you were frighteningly precise and well-wielded with the force, and admittedly, sometimes accidentally overbearing. This was one of those moments. You couldn't bring yourself to stop.

" **Qira!** " You vaguely startled Aes, who took another step back. Visibly confused, the freckle-faced woman turned to look at you.

Her round face had grown skeletal over the course of the year or so, and she appeared more of a phantom than the girl you once looked up to. Her expression seemed heavy, eyelids drooping as if she was greatly fatigued. Her facial movements seemed delayed, somehow wrong. Her entire body slumped as if she was weighted down. Her eyes flickered slowly, and her brow furrowed. When she spoke your name, you could have screamed, but instead you buried your face into your hands and wept. You felt so weak, so helpless, you couldn't stop them, and you couldn't change their minds. You were deathly afraid for Qira, for Xan, and all they were doing was poisoning themselves. If the physical evidence wasn't enough, the way Qira had stated your name like a question shattered your previous rage into a million, white hot, little pieces which were all swallowed whole by that slick, repulsive creature living in your chest.

You composed yourself momentarily. "You're sick." Your voice was shaky, and your tears continued. "You need help, and we can help you, Qira."

Freckled face heart-shatteringly blank, Qira was ever-silent. She breathed through her nose, and laid down next to Xan; allowing herself to be doused in a thin layer of mucous-esqe mud. You knew though maybe she'd comprehended what you said, she wanted no help from you or Aeshin. You were repulsed, and angry, you did nothing to stop the noise of pure rage that left your lips, which had been pulled back into a snarl.

" **Fine!** " Your voice was booming, hoarse, and your fists were clenched so tight you could feel your nails piercing your palms. You were sure to bleed, but you were numb with the return of your own unrelenting fury to think of that then.

Your whipped around to Aeshin, who looked as emotionally exhausted as you were. You were shuddering and heaving, and you swallowed your sobs. She'd always been better composed than you, and you were usually a calm person, but her silent weeping proved you were in the same boat. You softened immediately at this and mimicked her previous actions, and took her hand. Your thumb brushed over her knuckles gently,

"I'm so sorry." Part of you wondered if you were really apologizing to just Aeshin. "We need to go home."

Careful not to be too forceful as you wrapped an arm around her shoulders, you took a soft step forwards. Too sad to be upset at you, she merely nodded, a hand covering the lower half of her face. You needed your mother, or Sebastian, or someone- anyone to comfort the two of you. It was in those moments you questioned how much more you could bear of this wretched planet on your own.

You ached like death in the chair, back stiff and limbs heavy. You had a headache that didn't seem to want to quit.

"I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay here, Aes."

Your words were barely a whisper, and you thumbed at the stone that rested gently between your collarbones. Over the years you'd grown accustomed to using the little, glowing trinket as a makeshift worry stone. The shard's originally crisp edges had become rather dull over the years from how often you touched it. It was a physical comfort to you; some would consider your restless, you were often deemed incapable of keeping your hands still for too long. Which wasn't untrue, you weren't one to not be doing nothing- unless of course you found something exceptionally interesting. Even with mundane things like watching the newest film released, or even doing standard paperwork, you found your mind wandering. You'd feel a compulsive need to pace, or stretch- inherently, in was in you just to move.

Aeshin wrung her hands, and gave a near-silent sigh, "I know." Rubbing gently at her temples, she hummed, "Have you considered your options?" Aeshin offered after a quiet moment, shrugging.

You squinted at this, her suggestion much too vague for you to work with. "What options? You know I'm not making enough money to move off this planet- nonetheless buy myself a ship." Your brow furrowed and you leaned on a palm. "Sometimes I think I come back here from work with less credits than I go with." Your grumbling stirred a slight smile upon the face of your friend, but it quickly dropped as the twi'lek woman became serious again.

"I meant the military." You winced visibly, and the woman silently noticed. "Aes, you know I'm not the fighting type, I couldn't-" You were sharply interrupted. "I'd mean as like...an intern or something, communications, maintenance. I don't know, something safe." You groaned quietly and rubbed at your eyes, "You know my mom and Sebastian both wouldn't like it, and I'm not sure if I'm even comfortable joining any war groups." Aeshin stood up, stark determination marking her pretty features.

"You're a grown woman, aren't you? You don't need their permission for anything." Aeshin jutted a finger toward herself, letting on a near devilish grin, "And if you need permission, you have mine."

Pacing now, the alien woman stiffened her shoulders and whipped her head toward you. "Not the Resistance," Aeshin's voice was like daggers upon your ears, she made clear who she didn't want you to affiliate with.

"The First Order. We're close enough to the Outer Rim to be considered unaffiliated turf- but, I suppose you could join either side."

You scrunched up your nose a tad, not truly liking the idea. "I don't really want to join anyone." Your tone was sharper than you intended, but you looked to your friend with soft eyes. Aeshin was clear, and it became apparent which side she stood on.

"The Order pays more than the Resistance, which can help towards the future, and they don't force you to take permanent leave. You can come back home on holidays and celebrations and such." Aeshin held out a hand to you, though it signified agreeing with her moreso than an offer to help you up from where you had been seated.

"A few months away from everyone would do you some good, I think." Brows tilting, your friend gave a smile- contrasting greatly from her previous stiffness. "Just think about it, okay?" You paused, and nodded, deciding against saying anything more.

And you did think about it. You thought about it for quite a long time. And after a week or so of just weighing your options, you decided that Aeshin was right. You deserved a little time away, and learning a new trade certainly couldn't hurt you. You found Aeshin returning home from a hike and stopped her before she had a chance to get inside.

"I'll go." Your voice was near stern, composed- almost, but you could feel your heart beating heavily in your chest. "I think this is for the better." You murmured to Aeshin's beaming grin, daring not meet her gaze- wanting not to regret your decision.

She patted your back and sighed, content, now seeming more a proud parent than a best friend. "I'm glad to hear it."

The woman gushed, and you cracked a grin immediately in response to this, "Of course you're glad to hear it, you've just been trying to get rid of me." Mock-offended, Aeshin took a step back and made a noise of disgust, "I wouldn't dare! Even though you're completely unbearable."

You found yourself laughing, but Aeshin turned serious, and eyed you carefully. "And ah, what recruiting office will you be reporting to?" Her gaze was slightly critical, but shined with a slight curiosity. You bit your lip gently, and sighed through your nose.

"The First Order." Your voice was a remnant of a mumble, but Aeshin seemed triumphant, and gave you a stronger clap on the back. "Atta' girl!"

You couldn't help but laugh at your friend's exposition; she seemed to support the Order greatly, so you assumed they couldn't be that bad.

With one hand you typed personal information into a borrowed holopad, and in the other you thumbed at your necklace, mildly ill at ease. This was more professional than any job interview you'd been to, and the pages upon pages were indeed monotonous, but it made you unreasonably anxious. You felt a warm hand squeeze your upper arm, and you jumped at the touch, but sighed deeply once you recognized who it was.

"You startled me."

The woman's lips showed a light-hearted smile. "You're stressing out over this." You absentmindedly chewed your lip, and only hummed in response, not willing to admit she was exactly right.

Sometimes you swore she could read your mind.

"Ease up, it's just forms. Standard stuff you know. Everyone does this." Granting her only another hum, she rolled her eyes and sat herself down next to you. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, you decided to speak up,

"This is hard."

Your words were almost childish, but the near-breathless whisper you'd spoken the sentence made your true feelings show clearly, it was like seeing through a pane of glass. You were deeply unsure, already deathly homesick, worried, afraid, and honestly mildly agitated. You were like a child going to school for the first time- you dared not willingly part from your familiarity, but the allusive unknown beckoned to you and your hesitant mind.

"You're on the last part." Aeshin encouraged, rubbing your arm gently, "You need this, and you've done way too much to turn back now." You managed a quiet laugh, knowing full well that was the truth.

You felt a few tears blur your vision and you heaved a shaky breath. "I'm so afraid."

Aeshin squeezed your arm again, more firm than the first time, "You're going to be fine, I promise." You only sighed and rubbed your eyes with your palms.

You managed a small smile.

"Lets see how well you can keep your promises."

  
  



	3. Starbound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You really aren't a morning person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You had been stationed for training on a frighteningly distant planet otherwise known as the most creative string of numbers and letters you'd ever heard. You despised it more so than Rori and frankly found the entirety of the base rather dingy. Living on the base was by far the hardest thing you'd ever done, and slacking off wasn't an option- not on this military post anyway. You thought you were more homesick than anything.

You had sometimes watched in awe on the way to training at the orderly lines of troopers that marched past, and it was strange to see them when they ate or carried on regular conversation with associates and companions. Admittedly, sometimes you forgot there were people behind the helmets, and seeing faces was almost foreign with the near continual white blur that you passed in the mornings and in the evenings. Wanting not to take up a job as a technician, nor as an intern, you went with Aeshin's suggestion of working in communications. It wasn't what you imagined, and it certainly wasn't as simple as you'd imagined- you had expected more of a business infrastructure to the First Order, and you were frankly a little caught off guard.

Being that numerous ships and bases had communications directors, you and a handful of cohorts would be expected to work on an individual task at one time, and you weren't a group worker. It wasn't that you disliked the people you had to work with, but you had a slight difficulty recognizing outside ideas that didn't correspond with your own, and you had unfortunately done your fair share of snapping and hissing when work simulations triggered some extreme frustrations. Days dragged into weeks and you silently pondered how long you could take this, and you couldn't imagine yourself doing this kind of work for however many months you'd signed yourself off for. You could only think it was a mistake, a fault by yourself and Aeshin, but you still didn't want to be home. You ached, and you couldn't find a way to fix it.

You woed when the morning came. You had been prematurely awoken by the indistinguishable hum of your Order-issued holopad. A message flashed across the screen, and you squinted, unhappily roused from your sleepy stupor by the screen's brightness. "All personnel will report by division to their authority figure for a mandatory evaluation at 0600 hours." You gave a heavy blink, pushing your hair back with your hand. Now, what was the time? Glancing at the digital clock heading the top of the screen, you nearly gave a screech. 5:45 AM.

Thinking dozens upon dozens of curses as you threw on your uniform on and desperately ripped through your slumber-tangled hair, you did your best to look composed as you stumbled out of your quarters and bolted down the familiar halls. The only comfort you felt was the slight, weighted bumping of your necklace against your chest. With your rapid heartbeat and heavy breathing, you did find a sort of peace as you rounded the corner to your workplace. It was a little cluster of office-esqe desks and computers and such, not even your own division really, rather, it was a corner set aside for yourself and your peers. However, you did manage a lot of the ship's news work, and you were proud of that.

A handful of your cohorts stood, shoulder to shoulder, eyes flickered to you as you entered, and you didn't mistake the contempt and vague annoyance that filled the air as you stepped in, likely disheveled and wild looking. You decided against saying anything and felt eyes boring into you as you scurried to the end of the line. You were thankful for your own decision. Over the course of about fifteen more minutes (exceeding the expected time), other associates made their way inside, but your eyes stayed glued to the floor. This was unusual, now that you had the time to piece two and two together. Not often did you have morning drills like this, and for the whole base? You wondered if something awful had happened, and wrung your hands.

Your superior wasn't in sight, and a few of your coworkers were conversing quietly amongst themselves, but quickly they grew silent, following the sound of numerous pairs of boots. You stiffened yourself, tightening your stance. You hurriedly tucked your necklace into your uniform. Even if you weren't on the front lines, or even wearing that pristine, white armor, you did understand a majority of the expectations for all workers- and on an unannounced call to your duties early? Something felt very wrong. You ran your fingertips over the seams of your uniform out of a vague anxiety. Daring to roll on your heels to peer forward, you eyed your approachers. You only recognized your training director, but with him was a group of people. Your eyes trailed down their chests and down their arms, and a blond man leading them obviously was in command. You could feel your stomach sink when you recognized his uniform markings as that of a general. You swallowed a lump in your throat. It wasn't as though you'd done something wrong, but when a general was called, and called unannounced, there was serious business about.

Once the group stopped, you could feel everyone become significantly more tense, and the blond man took a few steps toward your group. He flashed an attempt at a warm smile,

“Regulatory check.” He stated clearly, eyeing your coworkers and yourself.

He was lying, and you could sense it. You gently worked your jaw, near painfully grinding your teeth. There was an air about the room that felt positively electric, and not in the exciting way. Deciding to push away your gut intuitions, you studied the general. He didn't wear a cap, unlike his brothers and sisters in rank, and his uniform was almost messy. Almost. Every now and again you'd notice an unironed crease in his uniform, or a dull looking button. Didn't he have someone to do those things for him? Unfortunately, you were just a hyper-attentive person, you genuinely couldn't help noticing the tweaks in his uniform.

At one point the general and yourself made eye contact. You briefly broke it to study his face, eyes sweeping quickly across his features. The general held a look like he'd be likely to start laughing at any moment; he had deep laugh lines, and lips that seemed shaped into a constant, minuscule smile. His hair was cropped rather short, but you could still make out his blond waves fighting against whatever product he wore in his hair to tame it. He had calm eyes, which shone a steely blue in the pale fluorescent light. This man didn't feel like a general to you, you sensed a warm interior, clumsily hidden behind a supposedly stiff exterior.

In a heartbeat of a moment, his eyes shifted to you, and you directly. Besides his stare, you could feel a handful of your cohorts side-eying you. You ceased any movement but stood your ground, meeting the general's steely gaze. You wondered if you looked too much a mess for the officer. The general furthered to stand directly in front of you. You gave a subtle nod, unblinking and silent. It was an action of calm respect- you trusted this man had the authority to do as he pleased and you weren't willing to upset him.

His expression stayed the same, but he eyed the string of your necklace, and reached out his hand and untucked it from under your top. He held the crystal in his hands, studying it and thumbing it's dull edges. You didn't attempt to hide the narrowing of your eyes and the clench of your jaw. If this man didn't stop touching your necklace you mentally swore you were going to explode. Near immediately after the thought, he blinked, seemed to oblige, and tilted his head.

“What is this?”

You didn't meet his gaze, staring coldly at the wall behind him. You wouldn't let this man have the satisfaction of eye contact.

“A gift I was given as a child, sir. It's just something to keep me from being so homesick.”

You were now agitated, and didn't attempt to swallow the defiant edge on your words.

The general was ever silent, and a smile came on him. “I see.”

He turned slowly, and approached your director. You couldn't hear what was said, but the tension in the room nearly made the hairs on the back of your neck stand straight up. You nearly paled completely when you felt the eyes of your associates boring holes into you. You nearly jumped out of your skin when your director called your name.

“Sir?”

You replied quietly, mouth suddenly dry. “Go with Brigadier General Kynnovan.” Was the simple command, and you gave a nod, obeying. Very much unhappily at that.

The general gave you a small grin, content he had the upper hand.

“Please, come along.”

Rather than walking behind the man, he insisted you walk beside him. His band of officials had dissipated greatly, a handful of the group from before tailing behind and chatting among themselves. It had been quite a few minutes since you had left with the Brigadier General, and they weren't short minutes. You felt incredibly awkward, but the man didn't seem to notice. Clearing your throat quietly, you weakly tried to initiate conversation, hoping this man was willing to speak with you.

“So,” you started, voice soft. “You're the Brigadier General for the whole First Order?”

This brought forth a laugh from the blond, who turned to face you.

“Am I very intimidating?”

He asked, barely restraining from the apparent sheer hilarity that he made you uneasy. Your mouth felt dry again, and you spoke, voice even more quiet.

“Uhm. A little, sir.”

He gave a deeper laugh, and you forced yourself to continually match his pace. “No need to be so formal, it's Wes.” He held out a hand and you shook it.

He eyed you carefully, blue-gray eyes surprisingly warm. “Unless you prefer 'sir'.”

You nodded, “I think I do.”

Laughter aside, Wes nodded, understanding your nervousness. “On a serious note, I suppose you're curious as to why you're with me.”

You nodded an affirmative, and there was a brief quiet, and a sigh from the blond. “Let me be straight to the point with you, dearest. I know exactly what you are. Our force sensors picked up on you immediately.”

The general's voice wasn't harsh or forceful, but you were immediately covered in goosebumps and felt physically sick. This had come about too quickly, and you weren't prepared for it, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise.

“You're going to kill me!” You managed out quickly, eyes suddenly wide, panic enveloping every fiber of your being. You could hear your own heartbeat, and it reminded you of a caged bird, thrashing wildly against the bars of its enclosure. You felt trapped. You began your direction backward, nearly stumbling and falling.

Wes quickly stretched out his arms, turning on his heel and steadying you. “No, no, I'm not. Compose yourself.”

He looked you in the eyes, attempting to lull your fears. “I'm going to take you to the General in Chief, and I trust him.”

When you took another step back from him, his gaze softened, “When you're in my presence you're safe, I swear it." A pause, "I'm like you, and I'm alive, aren't I?”

You knew that he wasn't lying. But you were still greatly alarmed, but you trusted him, albeit a little. You could sense that he was being truthful. After another few moments of you poorly attempting to calm yourself on your own, the man took action.

“Come on now.” The Brigadier General mumbled, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and giving a squeeze- comparable to that of a parent. “You'll be alright.”

You had never known military figures to be such comforting people, but you weren't willingly going to be rejecting the General. He was still an authoritative figure to you. You stayed stiff, but clutched at your own arms. Giving a shaky sigh, you were still feeling as if you might burst into tears at any moment, heart thundering in your chest, but you were slightly at ease you were with someone who wasn't irritated with your presence.

“Let's chat about something else to calm your nerves.” Wes stated matter-of-factly, still having yet to loosen his grip on you. Part of you appreciated it.

“Where are you from?” Came the simple question.

“Rori, Naboo's largest moon.”

“I've heard the trading there is doing very well.”

A pause, “The spice trading maybe, but not like it used to be.”

Wes only patted your shoulder at this. “Do you have a family?”

“Parents.” You murmured.

“Friends?”

The question stung like salt in a wound, and you nearly winced. You only hummed in response, knowing he would sense he'd struck a nerve.

You decided it was time you started to ask some questions yourself. “And what about you, General?”

You faced him, only then truly aware how close you were. You shifted your weight away from him.

His gaze stayed firmly ahead, “I'm from Chandrila, I have a large family, and they're all very dear to me. I do have quite a few friends also, but few are very close to me here in the Order.”

You had recognized a slight accent before, but you'd expected it now to be significantly stronger since he was an core-world born and raised man.

Wes picked up on your curiosity, “I only lived on my homeworld until I was old enough to leave.” He explained, briefly meeting your line of sight.

It was odd to meet someone with the same level of emotional sensitivity as yourself, but it certainly wasn't bad to know you weren't an outlawed freak of the universe itself- at least there was one person in the galaxy who was like you.

"I also suppose you're wondering where I'm taking you," The General stated quickly, off-topic, obviously a little more than willing not to speak of his home planet.

You hesitated and answered with a question, "Will you scare me again?" Part of you was mildly agitated that he had struck the situation upon you so quickly, you thought a fair warning would have put you at ease.

This brought a devious smile to the General's face, "I'll do my best not to." He paused. "Your thoughts on flying?"

"I can handle some."

"...For long periods of time?"

You squinted a tad, "how long are we talking?"

"You're coming with me to the mothership of the Order." The blond stated plainly, patting your shoulder yet again.

"The Finalizer?" You questioned, thoughts then swirling quickly in your mind. "But my training isn't complete here, I still have-"

Wes interrupted you, vaguely similar to Aeshin's intrusive speech style, "you're now part of something bigger than your training and role in communications here."

Your brows pinched. This wasn't what you signed up for, all you wanted was to get away from home for a while, and now you were worried it could be much longer before you'd be home again. You knew it drove Sebastian and your mother mad with simply calling, and you couldn't imagine permanent living on the Finalizer. You'd move your family on the ship before they made you stay alone.

The General side eyed you, grip yet to loosen around your shoulders. "You have quite the fiery streak." He put on yet another grin; there was positively no way he hadn't felt your shoulders tighten. "I felt your anger earlier when I observed your pendant," His gaze flickered from yours to the green crystal that sat on the dip between your collarbones.

"Was it truly a childhood gift?"

"Yes." You answered simply, hand instinctively reaching toward it. You allowed yourself to reveal your habit of thumbing the corners, and the General watched carefully. "Do you know what it is?"

"A crystal that reacted when I first touched it." The words sounded childish as they came from your lips, but you had quickly given the man your basic understanding of the necklace. Wes seemed content you'd gotten straight to the point,

"That, my dear, is a kyber crystal." He chimed, "before the creation of the Order, force warriors used them to power weapons- sabers rather."

You met Wes' gaze, listening intently to the information about your tiny pendant. "A crystal that size likely couldn't be used in a full scale weapon, though possibly in a knife of some sort. But regardless of its size, it reacted when you touched it. You're a force user. You may be trained into a force warrior of some kind."

The man continued, "You have an incredibly stark aura signature. I've only ever seen that in a slim few throughout all the galaxy." Wes hesitated briefly, "do you know of any powers you may possess?"

You thumbed at the stone a little harder, knuckles turning a pale white. You had begun to feel suspicious. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable discussing that, sir."

The General patted your shoulder, and you knew that he knew you did have abilities, but you also knew he wasn't going to interrogate you. It was then Wes released you from his vice-like grip, and you noted the approaching hangar directly down the hall. The General had basically herded you there, distracting you with idle chat. You didn't have a choice, and the both of you knew it. You knew next to nothing about the Finalizer, nor of your fate, and you swallowed hard.

"Guess we'd better get going, huh?"

Your words were quiet, and the smile of the General told you that he had won. 


End file.
